Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
how to exercise your calf muscles
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.