Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
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Saturday
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.