@Ramitology: Thank God you've updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn't tolerate more suspense.
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@Breadery: Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.
@70Ceeks: SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year ME: what the hell are you talking about
@Mr_Kapowski: 8: I'm scared of monsters under my bed Me: You should really be scared of spiders that will lay eggs in your ear 8: MOM! Wife: ZACK!
@Willie1derful: *receives text from wife "I'm done" Ok. I'll have my lawyer call yours. "I meant work" Ok. Cool.