Thank Satan it’s Monday.
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Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.