@curlycomedy: Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
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@davedittell: Jesus hands his iPhone to da Vinci, "hey can you get one of me and my best buds? thanks man! HEY EVERYONE GET ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE"
@JordanPeele: I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she "can't survive on dry land."
@tat2dsoccermom: So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I'm confused. What's leftover alcohol?
@KentWGraham: After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.