Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Who does Amazon think I am?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend