Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here