Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
The pasta is now
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison