Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS