Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
🤣🤣
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping