Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Waiting for the Charmin
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
twitter is a journey
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
This is the best one I’ve seen
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.