@simoncholland: Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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@lil_dead_girl_: I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up. It hasn't so I had some cheese.
@InternetHippo: Bad guy (punches me while i’m strapped to the torture chair): Do it! Disrespect women! Me (spitting out a tooth): No
@Amber_duds: For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to Web MD this. I'm too young to have kittens.