Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
それは草
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Autocorrect completely socks
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time