Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*orders delivery*
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.