You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
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Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?