Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
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Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Worth remembering.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks