Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
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EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.