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@CantWaitToNap: Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
HIM: Hi, I’m John.
ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
@QwertyJones3: I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed "take a nap" with "piece of crap" so don't tell me about your parenting skills.
@hotdogsladies: Whenever our neighbor's dog is barking, I know there's either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@ibid78: [internet] if u liked this story on cows dressed as plumbers..
[me] I did
[i] here's a story on panda cops
[barely containing my glee] go on