Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
You Might Also Like
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?