Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.