Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh