me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Cucumbers Anonymous
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*