Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.