Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you know, you know
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.