Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
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Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
All generalizations are stupid.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Bringing home a sharpie
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox