My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Guy who likes music
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME