“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Whoa 😂
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
hi why am I like this
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.