@littleliterally: Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: I got the dirt off. Wife: What does that mean? Me: *hides the leaf blower*
@thepaulahunt: My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: "You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there." Me: "Sure I don't."