@BuckyIsotope: *plane starts to crash* Don't worry, Jesus is my co-pilot *looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute* Well hell

@Jimpetuous: *holds seashell to ear* [ocean sounds] [ocean sounds] ["Remember to click 'subscribe' & to rate & leave a com-] *throws shell into the sea*

@iwearaonesie: my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?

@AndyAsAdjective: "Rapunzel! Let down your hair!" RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream? HAIR: Yeah! RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we're not.

@dooce: A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.