@weezeebee: If at first you don't succeed, I wouldn't try bungee jumping.

@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Did you give the kids a bath? Me: I got the dirt off. Wife: What does that mean? Me: *hides the leaf blower*

@thepaulahunt: My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: "You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there." Me: "Sure I don't."

@NinjaFuneral: I really hope we can call ninjas with red hair "ginjas".

@iGreenMonk: How girls put on their pants: *Left leg* *Right leg* *Wiggle* *Wiggle* *Jump* *Jump* *Squat* *Stretch* Done..