Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
me as a parent
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out