Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?