Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?