Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.