Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”