Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Personal question. #JustSaying
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’m literally crying
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you