Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.