Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Beware…..
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water