Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.