[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
i want to work in this restaurant
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?