Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old