Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!