that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I know