That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
they split up moments later
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.