I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.