That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first