@MamanyaDana: That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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@Darlainky: -That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it? -Sentimental attachment. -It just caught fire. -Aww, just like old times.
@evildadatron: [first date questions] You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses...and she's gone Whatever she's probably vegan
@jctwritesstuff: I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn't want her head cut off, maybe there should've been actual cake. ~ Why I was kicked off the debate team