@MamanyaDana: That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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@Crunk_Jews: This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
@MelvinofYork: My wife says "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you" when 1. she's not talking, she's yelling, and 2. I'm not walking away, I'm retreating
@iRowlf: Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
@LackOfShame: Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say "I love you," she's talking to our dog.