That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
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There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
They’re called werewolves.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out