@SamuelHLowe: That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about getting a goat? me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
@ClickBaite: [Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me. [Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead] [Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
@ericsshadow: In Hillary's defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don't expect anything in return.
@GlennyRodge: Just tried a kids meal in McDonald's. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.