@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about getting a goat? me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

@ClickBaite: [Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me. [Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead] [Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

@ericsshadow: In Hillary's defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don't expect anything in return.

@GlennyRodge: Just tried a kids meal in McDonald's. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

@Spaziotwat: My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she'll just get the dog all wet.