A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
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me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda