Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga