Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this