That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
we’re dead?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.