That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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This is no longer winter this is harassment
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”