@awkwardphilippe: That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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@boring_as_heck: A big thank you to whoever spraypainted "KARATE" on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.
@iinkedZombie: My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar