Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
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A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile