That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.