That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Autocorrect completely socks
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Wikigenius