That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
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I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
broke down and did it
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top