@realHamOnWry: That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.
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@dumbbeezie: My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I'll probably live a long life. I'm taking the news pretty hard
@DryDickRando: Hello sir. Your toddler called me a 'stinky poopyhead' at the store. I've spent 6 days formulating a comeback, and I'd like to own him now.
@metafroth: How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
@DannyZuker: You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.