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I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Meow
Natty or not?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen